cause it can't.

a simple story.

four years or so ago, i met a friend of my cousins. they both live in indiana, quite a bit away from me.

ever since that day i've been just dying to see him again, share some human interaction, really. just recently i took a week long trip down there. my sister, my cousin and i all got a hotel room. my cousin invited his dear friend. my mind was racing! i may have been pacing and my heart potentially could have been beating just a little fast. but who knows. continuing on, he arrives. god damn does he look good, and he knows it. we both know it. and i show it.
i feel like holding onto him and just grabbing his hand like he is mine. but i can't. cause that'd be weird. we begin to play strip poker. hah i hate that game. eventually, i've lost so many times i should have been nude. but hell no. andy's not thaaaat confident. i'm a very stubborn individual, so i left most of the clothing on. what i say goes, ha. it's bedtime and he invites me under the covers on one of the two beds. i'm just thinking..this cannot be happening, but it was! and boy, was my face red. nervous doesn't even describe it. i'd say for about twenty minutes, we juat lay there embracing eachother. there is no way i was going to fall asleep though. my brain was too busy misbehaving. our foreheads were touching. as soon as i turned my hips a little away from his, he grabbed me and pulled me closer. my face is definetely a darker red now, i can feel it. thank god it was dark in there. he begins to kiss my cheek and neck, so i pull his face closer to mine, and we kiss. it's different though. it's a totally new feeling. it's a person i've been waiting for this to happen with for four years. there is nowhere i would rather be. all i'm thinking is YES. this event was way passed due. now i couldn't tell you how he was feeling, but i was pretty happy. as we continued this for a good hour, i won't go into details. this is the internet, you know. no one has ever touched me like that. he ran his hands all down my body. he showed passion. this boy was so fucking different, it was blowing my mind.

why do i live so far away.

lay your armour down.

how is it that no matter what music i listen to, it almost automatically makes me feel better?

last night i had the worst dream. to make a real long story short, my twin was killed by my mother, which would never happen. & to follow, my mother was killed by herself not five seconds after.
on that topic.
i sometimes wonder what goes through a humans mind when they are considering to off themselves. what could be circling around in their brain? perhaps nothing? or everything, which can easily feel like nothing, which helps me understand the sad feelings. & i feel like i know what depressed is. not even.
& you know what i hate? when people fucking make jokes about that shit. there is nothing that bothers me more. actually, it's not even that it bothers me. it's to the point that it just..hurts me. since i've seen it, been through that with stephen, & seen the family that embraced him. it makes things a hell of a lot different.